I just came across a sample pilot script I wrote in 2000 for a proposed television show. I did it mainly for fun and, knowing nothing about the TV world, never submitted it to anyone. It’s been sitting unread on my computer ever since. Some parts may not be entirely PC these days, and some characters are underdeveloped at this early stage. Nevertheless, I figured I’d put it out there as originally written, warts and all. It’s funny for me to look at this in light of the numerous good political TV comedies have emerged in the years since. I vaguely remember that I wanted the character Kornpone to sound like Foghorn Leghorn. Enjoy.

OUR UNITED STATES

“Kornpone Comes To Washington”

 SCENE 1

Senator Kornpone’s office. The senator is sitting at his desk absorbed in a book. His assistant Bates enters.

BATES

Good day, sir.

SENATOR

Oh, Bates. Come in, come in. I was just studying my re-election strategy.

BATES

Really, sir, it does seem somewhat early to worry about the next election. You’ve just arrived today for your first term.

SENATOR

Nonsense, Bates. We’re not in Alabama anymore, you know; I’m no longer a mere state senator stalkin’ the halls of Montgomery. This is Washington, the thick of the war, the creme de la mint. We’ve only got four more years to prove our worthlessness before we face the people again.

BATES

I’m happy to report that it’s the president that has the four-year term. As a U.S. senator, you are in office for six years.

SENATOR

Six years! Well, that’s more like it. Our Founding Fathers were a wise group, Bates, a wise group. Let that Democratic scoundrel in the White House put that in his cigar and smoke it. (closes book) I better get workin’ on my record, then. Let’s see, what was it I promised again?

BATES

Think hard, sir. It will come back to you.

There is a knock at the door.

SENATOR

Get that, will you, Bates?

BATES

Yes, sir.

Bates opens door to reveal Loretta Rosebud, hard-driving reporter for the Southern Post Herald.

LORETTA

Greetings, Senator.

SENATOR
Loretta! The poison pen! The scourge of Alabama politics! What are you doing in Washington?

LORETTA

Now, Senator, is that any way to welcome a lady into your office?

SENATOR
A lady? A lady vampire, I say, a vampirette! I thought I left you behind when I left state politics. Shouldn’t you be back home drivin’ your pen through someone’s heart?

LORETTA

The paper thought that we worked so well together that they’ve appointed me to the Washington bureau. I’ve been bumped up, Senator, to ensure the people of Alabama that politicians in Washington are using our tax money in a clean, efficient and honorable manner. Aren’t you going to congratulate me?

SENATOR

Bates, I think I need an aspirin.

LORETTA

Mr. Bates, nice to see you again. Loretta Rosebud, Washington correspondent for the Southern Post Herald.

BATES

I remember you only too well, madam.

LORETTA

Still playing butler to our good senator, Mr. Bates? Are you that hard up for entertainment?

BATES

I’m honoured to join the well-known American sport, madam, of following the money.

SENATOR

Well put, Bates.

LORETTA

Employing a foreigner in the national government… Senator, is that legal?

SENATOR

Listen, Loretta…

LORETTA

Never mind, Senator. I’ve just come to pay my greetings. I’ve got another scandal to attend to now. Seems a certain congressman has been taking his wife along on government travel.

SENATOR

Travelin’ with his wife? Now, that is scandalous.

LORETTA
And it’s a Democrat. Just to show you I’m fair about spreading the dirt.

SENATOR

That’s a comfort, Loretta.

LORETTA

We’ve had some good times together, haven’t we, Senator? Remember your little recruiting party in Birmingham?

SENATOR

I tell you, it was a hot night, Loretta. She was just loosenin’ her shirt to get some fresh air.

LORETTA

Of course, Senator. And you looked so cute next to her in the papers the next day.

SENATOR

Bates, bring me some rope. Preferably one with a noose.

LORETTA

Forget it, Senator. I’m off. I’m sure we’ll be meeting again soon. Goodbye, Mr. Bates.

BATES

Goodbye, madam.

Loretta exits.

BATES

Perfectly delightful, isn’t she.

SENATOR
A dangerous woman, Bates, dangerous, I say. Why, a man can’t have honest fun with that scandal-monger around.

BATES

A politician’s lot is a difficult one, sir.

SENATOR

True, Bates, all too true.

Senator Porkbelly enters.

PORKBELLY

Senator Kornpone, I presume?

SENATOR

Why, Senator Porkbelly. What a surprise. Please come in.

PORKBELLY

As the senior senator from our great state, let me welcome you to Washington.

SENATOR

Thank you, sir. It’s an honor. This is my assistant Bates.

PORKBELLY

Mr. Bates. (nods head to Bates, who bows back) It’s a pleasure to have you here, Senator. You’ll have to pardon my tardiness in gettin’ to you. I was busy pickin’ mud off your opponent, bein’ a fellow Democrat and all.

SENATOR
You don’t have to apologize, Senator. I’m flattered to see you. I recognized you right away from the wanted posters.

PORKBELLY

Yes, those were the days. I took the career path to Washington. But the main point to remember is: I was acquitted on all counts. That makes me as innocent as the next man.

SENATOR

I’m the next man, sir.

PORKBELLY

Well, the man next to you, then. What I’m tryin’ to say, Senator, is that I’ve come clean. As a politician, I commit all crimes within the context of the law. And the people understand that, because I give them a vision.

SENATOR
A vision?

PORKBELLY
A vision, sir. A vision of a great nation and a free and happy people, where there’s food for the hungry, money for the poor, medicine for the sick, and rest for the weary.

SENATOR
Where does the money for all that come from, Senator?

PORKBELLY
I’m providin’ the vision; it’s up to the House to provide the nuts and bolts. Right off hand, I’d say by taxin’ the rich, except for the fact that I myself am rich. It’s not easy bein’ a man of means and a Democrat at the same time. At least you Republicans can be hypocritical and mean it.

SENATOR
One of the privileges of office, sir. And I hope that your mistaken political affiliation won’t affect our ability to work together in the interests of our state.

PORKBELLY
Not as long as I get all the credit. You may know, sir, that I’m in a senior position on the Senate Finance Committee. That’s the pursestrings, you know, where we committee members distribute the nation’s funds into the hands of a fortunate few, givin’ me unproportionate power in our honored institution. And you’d be wise to keep that in mind, seein’ as it would smooth our working relationship considerably.

SENATOR
I see the logic of your ways, sir. All for the health of our state, of course.

PORKBELLY
The health of our state and the state of your health, if you know what I mean.

SENATOR
I believe I do.

PORKBELLY
It’s a pleasure to see that good sense reigns in the nation’s capital. If the lion can lie down with the lamb, I can lie down with the Republicans.

SENATOR
Sir! Surely you can find an intern for that.

PORKBELLY
I’m speakin’ figuratively, sir. What I’m sayin’ is, I look forward to wheelin’ and dealin’ with you.

SENATOR
Similar sentiments here, sir.

PORKBELLY
I’ll see you on the Senate floor. Good day, Senator. (exits)

SENATOR
A viper in our bosom! Pardon the crudity of my language, Bates, but I’m in an emotional condition. I’ve got to share our fine state and all its trimmin’s with that boneheaded Democrat. I have met the enemy, and he is us.

BATES
He is after all in his third term here, sir. You are the newcomer.

SENATOR
Experience isn’t everything, Bates. Why, what I could do to Washington in one term, he couldn’t do in a lifetime.

BATES
Perhaps the best way to proceed, sir, is to get your office organized.

SENATOR
Right you are, Bates. A general needs his lieutenants, and our first order of business is to find a staff.

BATES
How does one go about recruiting a staff in Washington?

SENATOR
The word here is die-versity. In order to reflect the variety of peoples in our great nation, and collect government funds, we need one of every race, creed, color, disability and sexual disorientation.

BATES
I should remind you, sir, that we only have three positions available.

SENATOR
Then we’ll double up. A black Mexican or a lesbian with a limp, that kind of thing.

BATES
I see.

SENATOR
I wonder if a lesbian counts as a woman too. That would save a spot.

BATES
Pardon my asking, sir, but precisely what determines which groups are to be chosen above others?

SENATOR
It’s simple, Bates. Firstly, women are only 51% of the American population. So they clearly qualify as a minority.

BATES
I see.

SENATOR
Meanwhile, our black citizens rightly insist that we do not choose on the basis of color. That means we have to choose one of them.

BATES
Quite natural.

SENATOR
And Chinese-Americans want us to employ more Asian-Americans unless they’re Asian-Americans hailin’ from India, who themselves are not our own Indians, who are now Native Americans. Am I makin’ myself clear?

BATES
I must say, America is a most interesting country.

SENATOR
That’s what makes it great, Bates. How do politics work in England?

BATES
Anyone seeking to serve in Her Majesty’s government is considered demented, and is removed from society by prompt election into office. They are rarely heard from again.

SENATOR
The British are a wise people.

BATES
Some call it cruel. A relic of the class system, I’m afraid.

SENATOR
In America, we’ve only got three classes: first, business and economy. We’re all on the same plane to the same manifest destiny, but when we get to the final destination, I want to be eatin’ with real silverware and drinkin’ champagne, if you know what I mean.

BATES

A commendable ambition, sir.

SENATOR
Now, what we’re lookin’ for here are people with good political skills: In other words, Bates, people with no ambition, no vision, and no backbone.

BATES
Sir, I believe we’ll have to narrow it down somewhat more. We’ll have all of Washington at our door.

SENATOR
Don’t worry. Most of the qualified are busy runnin’ for president. Come on, let’s get lookin’.

SCENE 2

SENATOR
Well, Bates, have the candidates assembled?

BATES
They’re gathered in the next room.

SENATOR
And you’ve found one of everything?

BATES
As requested, sir. I believe you have a most difficult choice ahead of you.

SENATOR
Hmm, I’ll just take a peek.

Senator Kornpone cracks door and peeks in at group. He sees motley collection of six candidates, slouching and staring ahead blankly. The scene could be an audition for “Return of the Zombies”. Senator Kornpone pauses, then turns to Bates.

SENATOR
Are you sure this is the group?

BATES
These are the respondents to your offer, sir.

SENATOR
The one for Alabama’s brightest and best?

BATES
I’m afraid so, sir.

SENATOR
I’m beginning to understand how I got elected. All right, then, Bates, let’s get going.

DISSOLVE TO:

SCENE 3

Scene shifts to meeting room. Bates enters.

 BATES
Ladies and gentlemen, the honourable Senator Kornpone.

SENATOR
Thank you, thank you. Ladies and gentleman and others out there, as some of you might know, I’m Senator Horace G. Kornpone, elected as your representative in our great nation’s capital. It is here that we control the lives and destinies of our unsuspectin’ fellow Americans, here in Washington, the final restin’ place for our country’s taxes after their arduous journey over the purple mountains majesty and the yellow-breasted plains from their humble beginnings in the people’s pockets. It is my job to spend those taxes according to the nation’s laws, or make laws to fit the taxes as the case may be. Now as you know, I represent the great state of Alabama, from whence y’all and I both hail, and I’m here to see that our constituency is represented in every bill, every budget and every filibuster that passes through these hallowed halls in search of a lobby. A finger in every pie, that’s what I say, and I need a staff that lets my fingers do the walkin’. Remember: the voters are watchin’. They deserve the best, and the best is what we’re gonna give ‘em. Now thanks to the wisdom of our Founding Fathers in 1776, I get a full-time staff, and it’s my duty to the Constitution to take every such benefit which I have been anointed. So without any further ado about nothin’, I want to thank y’all for comin’ in today. We’ll be comparin’ your various handicaps and selectin’ you from there. We’ll get back to you all real soon.

BATES
Ahem, perhaps it might be appropriate, sir, to interview each candidate a bit more thoroughly.

SENATOR
Is that so?

BATES
It would be fairer to the candidates, I believe. In other words, it would help protect you from potential litigation.

SENATOR
I see your point, Bates. It’s the American way. All right, then, let’s get down to the nitty gritty. Could you step up here, sir.

EMILIO
(steps up nervously) Si?

SENATOR
(looking at his application) Hmm, I think you’ve mistyped your application here. I can’t read a thing.

EMILIO
…Si?

SENATOR
(in louder voice) I said I can’t read a thing. (pause, Emilio grows increasingly nervous) Is there something wrong, sir?

EMILIO
Yo soy americano.

SENATOR
Yo what? What did he say?

BATES
I believe he’s saying that he is American, sir.

SENATOR
Then why ain’t he speakin’ God’s mother tongue? He ain’t an illegable alien, is he?

EMILIO
(desperately) Soy americano, soy americano. (pulls out passport)

SENATOR
A U.S. passport. Well, by God, if the U.S. government says you’re American, that’s okay by me. Welcome to the U.S., my fellow American. (returns passport)

EMILIO
Gracias, señor, muchos gracias.

SENATOR
You can’t be too careful, you know. I was in Tijuana once, and it was full of illegable aliens.

EMILIO
… Gracias.

SENATOR
You know, I almost understand him. Put him down as candidate for chief spokesman.

BATES
Yes, sir.

SENATOR
All right, who’s next here…

JACK

(waving hand wildly) Oh, Senator! Seee-nator!

SENATOR

Yes, yes, all right then. Come on over.

JACK

(pushing not-so-daintily past others, accidentally knocking off hats, hitting people in head and so forth) Excuse me, so sorry, pardon me… (reaching front, smoothes clothes, takes deep breath, then walks with affected calm to senator’s desk) It’s an honor to meet you, Senator. (sits, crosses legs and waits for senator to speak)

SENATOR

(pauses a few beats, a bit dazed) …Yes, well, it’s, umm, an experience to meet you as well.

JACK

(coquettishly) Oh, Senator, I bet you say that to all the boys.

SENATOR

(pretending this is not happening) Perhaps we should pro-ceed ahead with the interview.

JACK

I’m all yours.

SENATOR

Now, it would appear that you are a member of our nation’s fine Black American community.

JACK

(theatrically feigning admiration) Senator, you noticed!

SENATOR

(failing to detect sarcasm) Absolutely. As a politician from Alabama, I’m committed to eliminating the discrimination and prejudice that have so unfortunately tainted our great state’s past by mentioning race at every possible opportunity. (looking at application) But I’m afraid there’s a mistake here. This application is for a person of the female persuasion.

JACK

Well, there were only two choices. I had to pick something.

SENATOR

(not knowing quite how to respond) Let’s come back to that one later… I must say, though, these are some impressive credentials here, Mr. Baxter. I see here that you were president of the Alabama Student (spelling carefully) G-A-Y Association.

JACK

That’s gay, sir.

SENATOR

I know what it spells, son. I was bein’ delicate, seein’ as we have a mixed audience of ladies and gentlemen and, uhh… (looks at Jack, who raises eyebrows in wait for next word) Ahem, so I may assume that you yourself are (spelling) g-a-y.

JACK

(spelling) Y-e-s, sir.

SENATOR

(thinks for moment, mouthing y-e-s, then satisfied) Right. So you are Homo sapiens.

JACK
Senator, that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said about me. But I believe you mean homosexual.

SENATOR

Sorry?

JACK

You mean homosexual. After all, even you’re Homo sapiens.

SENATOR
How dare you, sir! I want you know that I’m a reputable Christian, married for 25 years, with an unblemished reputation for high livin’. You won’t find my skeletons in your closets.

JACK
How’s that again?

SENATOR
I’m speakin’ metaphorically, son, metaphorically. I don’t know what goes on in those closets, but you people are always comin’ out of there, and where there’s smoke, it’s fishy.

JACK
Sir, believe me, I’ve never met a ‘closet’ big enough to hold me.

SENATOR
Well, if you find one, make sure you stay out. All pursuit of happiness is to be done strictly off the record.

JACK
I don’t mean to be rude, sir, but I would prefer to talk about things which are more directly relevant to the job.

SENATOR
Nothing’s more relevant to politics than character, son. The voters don’t know a budget from a boohoo, but entire elections can be won or lost on how you cook your grits in the mornin’. You’ve gotta be a model citizen in this business, even if you have to lie like all git-out to do it.

JACK

I promise, Senator, to do my utmost to stay my sweet, innocent, terribly fashionable self.

SENATOR

Never mind your uttermost. To tell you the truth, the problem here’s that we were lookin’ for someone from more modest means, from the ghetto, you know, someone more representative of your people.

JACK

(icily) Come again?

SENATOR

You see, I know you’re underprivileged, bein’ a mie-nority and all that, but fundin’ from the government only comes for the most miserable people. And, well, you’re just not miserable enough. Where in Birmingham did you say you were from?

JACK

Mountain Brook.

SENATOR

(surprised) Mountain Brook! Why, even I can’t afford to live there. Who is your father anyway?

JACK

William B. Baxter.

SENATOR

(straightens up) William B. Baxter! The financier?

JACK

Yes, you may have seen his name . . . (leans forward)… on checks to the Republican Party.

SENATOR

(suddenly takes new attitude) Ahem, I never had the distinct pleasure of associatin’ with your honorable father, since my social circles were not as liberal as I myself. But now that I look closer at your application, you seem mighty qualified for this position.

JACK

Why, Senator, you’re a sweetheart.

SENATOR
Not at all, son. Just behave yourself, y’hear? I’m not gonna sit in judgement, and like I always say, one man’s meat is another man’s possum. But this is politics, and remember, the People are Watchin’. Keep all communicatin’ diseases in the privacy of your own bedroom. (extends hand)

JACK
Thank you, sir. (grabs Senator’s outstretched hand and kisses it)

SENATOR
Oh, my God! (wipes hand frantically on handkerchief)

JACK
Now you know what we do all the time in those closets.

SENATOR
You are dismissed. (Jack returns to seat) Bates! Burn this and bury it. Deeply.

BATES
(accepts handkerchief) Yes, sir.

SENATOR
All right, let’s see the fella with the lisp.

BATES
I’m afraid that was yesterday, sir.

SENATOR
Oh, yes, the fella who couldn’t distinguish taxes and Texas. A mighty dangerous deformity, that was. Like I told him, a Southerner never cheats on his Texans.

BATES
You dealt with him admirably, sir.

SENATOR
Thank ya, Bates, for your fawnin’ admiration. Now who’s next here, I’m afraid to ask?

There is a knock at the door.

SENATOR
Yes, what is it?

Door opens to reveal tall, beautiful, buxom blonde in very revealing clothing.

DAISY
I’m so sorry I’m late.

All male candidates (except Jack) rise slowly, gaping at blonde. Senator and Bates also stand open-mouthed. Jack watches with bemusement. The other female candidate is not happy.

DAISY

I’m here to interview for a staff position. (no one moves) Umm, this is Senator Kornpone’s office, isn’t it?

SENATOR
(quickly recovering) Yes, yes, please come in. We welcome you.

MEN

(all at once) Please. Here you are. Take my seat. Pleased to meet you. Ay caramba. etc.

DAISY
Well, you’re all so nice, thank you much. I had heard Washington was a frightful town, no place for an innocent single woman, but everyone’s been so warm and friendly, just like you all here.

SENATOR
Well, we aim to please, ma’am.

DAISY

I hope I’m not too late for the interview.

SENATOR
Heaven forbid. You’re right on time.

DAISY
I’ve got my speech all memorized.

SENATOR
Speech? What speech is that?

DAISY
Don’t we need a speech? When I did the interview for the Miss Magnolia Competition, I had to perform a speech.

ETHEL
(irritated, with feminist hackles raised) We’re interviewing for political office here. This is not a beauty pageant.

SENATOR
Little lady, the only difference between politics and beauty pageants is the swimsuit competition.

DAISY
Oh, I have my swimsuit too.

MEN

(all at once) By all means. Let’s start with that. Let me help you with that. etc.

SENATOR
Down, boys, down. Everybody sit, and sit still too.

ETHEL
(in disgust) This is an amazing spectacle.

SARGE

(slurring) I th, think we all agree on that.

MEN

(all at once) Yeah. I would say so. That pretty much describes it. Ay caramba, si si. etc.

ETHEL
Sir, this is insulting to women everywhere.

SENATOR
Ma’am, I think she’s doin’ a fine job for women everywhere.

ETHEL
I simply must insist that this interview session be carried out professionally.

SENATOR
All right, all right. She’s gone to the trouble of composin’ a speech for the occasion. Let’s let her perform it. Go on, now, honey.

DAISY
Ahem. I am very proud to be here today before this honored audience. I have always strived to do my best for God, family and country, indivisibly, with liberty and justice for all, and if I’m elected Miss Magnolia… Oh, I made an error! My Freudian slip is showin’. May I try again?

SENATOR
If you must, honey, if you must.

DAISY
…justice for all, and if I’m chosen for this high office, I will do my best to fulfill the obligations which have accrued upon me as a result. Thank you.

SENATOR
That was a very movin’ speech.

DAISY
Why, thank you, Senator.

SENATOR
I’m not one to jump to opinions, but I think I can state confidently that you’d make a fine addition to our humble staff. Ma’am, welcome aboard.

DAISY
Oh, thank you, Senator, and thank you, everyone. I’m so pleased at this honor unto which you have bestowed me.

ETHEL
Just a minute. Objection!

SENATOR
What is it now, miss?

ETHEL
Sir, you are abusing your privileges of office. This selection process is patently unfair.

SENATOR
I let her do the speech, didn’t I?

ETHEL
The speech was ridiculous. She was late in arriving. She hasn’t bothered to hand you a resume or state her qualifications. Could you please tell all of us on what basis you hired her without even pretending to interview the rest of us first?

SENATOR
Miss, when you’re in politics, you soon figure out that not everything is on the surface. You have to dig in deeper, read between the lines, so to speak.

ETHEL
(caustically) If you had your hands any closer, you’d be reading her in Braille.

SENATOR
(ignoring comment) Observe, for example, her manner of attire. Her dress, bein’ rather revealin’, you might say, may be considered an odd choice for such a solemn occasion. But it surely shows the openness that she seeks to bring to this office, a symbolism which I greatly encourage. It reveals a creative and independent mind. Isn’t that right, honey?

DAISY
Well, it’s what everybody’s wearin’.

SENATOR
You see? Team spirit. It’s what Washington needs, a Team U.S. of A. And accompanied, no doubt, by the loftiest of goals.

DAISY
…I’m lookin’ for a husband.

SENATOR
Now look there. Family values. She’s lookin’ to complete the triangle of mother, father and child, the only fate open to her in this cruel world we call America. It’s clear that in our great but rotten society, this candidate has suffered the slingin’ arrows of misfortune on account of her bein’ a woman. As a representative of our district and, by extension, our nation at large, I hope to end these affronts to the little lady by givin’ her a position at public expense.

ETHEL
Forgive me for pointing out the obvious, sir, but you might have noticed that I’m a woman as well.

SENATOR
Noticing that, ma’am, could open me up to scandal. I’m simply sayin’ here that this office needs a feminine touch strictly for reasons politic, since half of our voters are female and the other half likes females, with all due respect to our homoerotic community. So my decision is based entirely on the inalienable rights of my constituents, as written in our Constitution.

ETHEL
Sir, pardon me for saying so, but this entire session is a farce. (pointedly) Imagine if the press heard about all this.

SENATOR
The press! Those bloodhounds, those vampires, those liberals! They can make a national scandal out of a sewin’ circle. You wouldn’t go to them, would you?

ETHEL
(suggestively) It would be painful for me to have to, sir.

SENATOR
Why, that’s blackmail! (considers) Now there’s a quality we could use around here. All right, then, you’re hired too. Welcome aboard.

WAYNE

Hey, wait a minute. What about the rest of us?

SARGE

(slurring) Yeah, we’re just as screwed up as she is.

ETHEL
I beg your pardon.

WAYNE

What will the Asian community have to say?

SARGE

And the (hic), th, th…

WAYNE

(helping out) And the drinkers.

SARGE

Mm hmm. (nods head vigorously)

MEN

(protesting variously)

SENATOR
Ah, what the heck. It’s not our money anyway; it’s the government’s. You’re all hired. Welcome aboard, my fellow Americans.

ALL

(cheers and congratulations)

BATES
Ahem, sir. You are aware, of course, that we are only budgeted for three extra staffers. You’ve just hired seven.

SENATOR
Bates, don’t you worry. Uncle Sam, like God himself, is watchin’ over us. We’ll get it out of Social Security or somewhere. Y’hear that, son? You got a job.

EMILIO
… Gracias.

SENATOR
I had a feelin’ you’d say that. All right, everybody, time to celebrate. Break out the bourbon!

Everyone fills their glasses as scene fades out.

  

SCENE 4

Senator’s office. Staff is seated around Senator’s desk. Everyone is slightly inebriated.

SENATOR
All right, it’s time to work; we gotta give the taxpayers their money’s worth. Everyone bring me one opinion on a vital issue, and make it conservative. You have five minutes.

WAYNE

We need to see what issues are up before Congress.

SENATOR
Congress? You’re goin’ to let Congress set the agenda for this country? That’s like the blind pullin’ the blinds. No wonder America’s in such a mess. Remember the real issue here, men: Re‑election. We need to find the issues that are close to the hearts of our fellow voters and see that those views are represented here in Washington.

WAYNE

But sir, you can’t represent every view. At some point you’re going to have to choose.

SENATOR
Well, I’m not picky. If we keep throwin’ opinions out, we’re bound to find the right one. Now, I don’t want anything controversial, so avoid social security, abortion, gun control, civil rights, women’s rights, gay rights, animal rights, child care, Medicare, health care, welfare, foreign affair, car fare and county fair.

JACK
County fair?

SENATOR
I’m bein’ poetic, son. What I’m sayin’ is, we need to deal with the problems of the daily American and show the voters that we are one of them. For example, there’s the Congressional gym.

WAYNE

The gym?

SENATOR
Yes, sir, I said the gym. The voters need strong healthy leaders to guide America forward to a safe and stable future. Weakness of body means weakness of mind, and that means a cancer at the heart of our nation. For the sake of America, I propose that the gym be refurbished, including the installation of jacuzzis and saunas as appropriate.

WAYNE
Sir, with all due respect, I doubt that the people of America could possibly care about workout rooms for their congressmen. How could you justify using their money like that?

DAISY
Well, haven’t you heard of Congressional bodies?

SENATOR
Thank you, my dear. I see that someone here understands the intricate workings of our government.

DAISY
But I object, Senator. I think the gym would benefit the Democrats.

SENATOR
A serious charge. What brings you to that dangerous conclusion?

DAISY
Think about it, sir. Who are the famous Republicans? Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Charlton Heston, right? And the Democrats? Tom Hanks. The Republicans already have nice bodies. If we put in a gym, we’ll just be giving the Democrats a chance to catch up at public expense.

SENATOR
Impeccable logic. Then it’s official: We propose a new gym to win over the hearts of our fellow Congressmen, then vote “no” to make ‘em look like fools. Staff members, you have just seen the wheels of the American government in motion.

DAISY

How exciting!

WAYNE

Sir, may I interrupt the wheel here?

SENATOR

Yes, son, what is it?

WAYNE

Well, we’re gathered here on our first day, and it’s all very exciting. I just wanted to propose a toast.

SARGE

(suddenly coming alive) I’ll d, drink to that.

WAYNE

I haven’t proposed anything yet.

SARGE

This’ll b, be a p, p, p, practice round.

SENATOR

What is it you wanted to toast?

WAYNE

We’ve come together here in the heart of democracy, all from different backgrounds and ethnic groups, with our own hopes and dreams for the future. We’re the living embodiment of our nation’s ideal, a living expression of those wonderful three words at the start of our Constitution. (everyone is blank) You know, those three famous words…

DAISY

… “Cash or charge”?

WAYNE

I meant “We the people”.

SENATOR

Oh, those words. Well, why not. Okay, everyone. Glasses up! (everyone holds up glasses) Here’s to us the people. America’s best and brightest hope… (looks around) Lord help us. And long may the Republicans reign!

ALL

Cheers!

All drink up and immediately crowd around for more. Senator passes out the alcohol as scene closes.